In the face of a new opportunity, where I am feeling scared, nervous, and particularly challenged, but also incredibly hopeful, I opened my money diary that I started keeping when I hired Jaime Kalman Chipko as a business coach last January. I did this hoping for a direct answer (from myself, a reminder, a comfort) to my current fear of “Can I do this?”,”Is this in alignment with what I want?” The page I turned to was this:
My goal within is to touch people’s lives, to express myself in new and creative ways, to have fun and avoid stress, to expand my awareness and light and love to everyone. To push away barriers between myself and others. To laugh. To explore. To write.
My goal without (External): Comfortable living, not worrying about money, to produce and publish books, to build a community, to push myself, to take opportunities, to work with people, not just for them. Explore. Report home.
So, that’s my answer. I wanted the exploration. I wanted the newness of opportunity. I wanted the growth. And here it is, knocking lightly on my shuddering body. The other night I had a dream where my luggage disappeared into the ocean. It was overcast, getting dark; my family and friends were there, some friends I hadn’t seen since middle school. Searching and searching the sand, where other suitcases lay, I could not find mine anywhere. It was a bag I’ve never even owned. It’s two external pockets bulged out with stuff I’d packed. For a second, I thought I saw it in the ocean, so I ran into it, not even mindful of the freezing waters. What I saw wasn’t my bag, however. I decided, I’d have to let it go.
Upon waking, I wondered to myself: is there something I’m going to have to lose and let go of, in this next stint of my journey? My camera was in one of the bags I lost. In the dream, I had a thought, “You can’t capture every moment.” You have to live it. Be present. Experience and participate.
As a traveler, I DO tend to overpack, just in case a situation calls where I’ll need seven extra outfits…. It’s a comfort thing. The only time I hardly pack anything is when I’m going home, to my parents’ house, when I feel that all is provided. My dream leads me to believe that, everything, everywhere is ALWAYS provided. Even with soaking wet hair and no new clothes. Maybe the things we tote around aren’t necessary to where we’re currently heading. Maybe there’s a new system that says, “it matters not what you have, but who you are….” Who you are, you bring with you everywhere. Who you are will not fit in that suitcase. Who you are is saying, let the baggage go.
One thought on “Growth Spurts, Saying “YES,” Letting Go.”
wow. it’s like you’re in my head. rather than me making this response all about me, I’ll just say you’ve given me some comfort and encouragement in managing my own insecurities about what I can/ should do and have done.
you said that “It was a bag I’ve never even owned.”
did you realize the implications of that? I enjoy dream analysis.
also, it matters not what you have, but who you are….” I’m constantly reminding myself of this, and why I became a minimalist. could I lose everything and be ok? we are not our khakis. ultimately, yes.