My art, like my desires, were a secret. Not to be shown to anyone who could stop loving me.

Not to be undressed, or encouraged, by someone who could threaten it.

I locked myself up, in a small life. In a small room. I wouldn’t leave the center of the bed. It wasn’t allowed.

I let everyone who loved me leave.

I let everyone I loved leave me.

Love compromised my art, because it meant being seen.

It meant showing the parts I wanted to keep secret. It meant explaining my process. It meant being judged for how I interpret the world.

“Me” wasn’t enough.

“You can’t have that.”

Expression AND love.

Relationships and a free, artistic license.

It’s simply not allowed.

“Where would you run, when they discover your thoughts?”

“Who would love you fully, if you showed them you are not perfect all the time?”

It’s an old wormhole, a thick mindset that keeps women on the edge of a crashing wave.

“There is no place for your free spirit. There is no beauty in your wisdom. There is no acceptance of your art. There is no safety in your vision.”

So you go inside, turn off the light, and make your art in a dark den where they can’t find you, where they don’t know you, where they won’t feel the body of your mind when it wanders off to expose the part of you that is night.

For the rest of your lives, you do this. Sink, cower, withstand. For the rest of your lives, until this one. This one, you meet with experiences that make you aware of this pattern. This one, you meet with people who help unravel and undo your subconscious programming. This one, you break the cycle of loneliness, by setting fire to old thoughts. This one, you step out as your full self, in all your mystery, in none of your mastery, and find that the love runs deeper when you do. This one, you make freedom a priority. This one, you learn to love the you that must, by her essence, make room to wander. You learn to travel by the light of your own spark.

*****

Lynea Weatherly helped me uncover the subconscious programming I’d decided would keep me safe in other lives. This programming led to a vow that I created some time ago. The vow sounded something like, “You can’t have this.”I needed to break it in order to have the life I actually wanted: free, full creative expression within my relationships and with the whole of my experience in this life—without feeling threatened. I’ve met people who inspired my urge for freedom. I’ve loved them. I’ve made them “mine.” But, right after the desire for something new, the old programming always returns. “You can’t have this.” Thus, the self-sabotage begins. I found ways to belittle my own value. I swore that the person I loved couldn’t really love me for Reason 1, Reason 2, Reason 2000. The cycle continued. In this line of thinking, you no longer feel loved because you push the love away. You no longer want to love, either, because you don’t feel that the love is equal anymore. By tuning into this pattern, Lynea and I were able to discover a way to break the vow so that my subconscious could reprogram itself to include the expansiveness I desired. We discovered that my Vibrational Body was part of what held this thought together also. My Vibrational Body—which connects the Soul to your being on Earth—needed an adjustment. We explored all of this through a series called Thought Karate that Lynea started learning via it being channeled through her in her 20s. It’s something she’s mastered, and has used to free up the programming of even the most tormented souls, like prison inmates. It’s accomplished kinetically—if that is the right word, meaning “through motion of the body.” She asks your subconscious questions, and your subconscious responds with a simple “yes” or “no” that is discovered by movements that your body makes. It does not require your conscious thought, nor your understanding of the answer. It simply reveals a conversation that your subconsciousness has groomed for some time. She can learn if your issues are brought over from a past life, were formed in the womb, or by experiences in this current life. She performs one-on-one sessions with those who are willing to heal their old habits that do not serve the directions they are hoping to take in this life. I am very fortunate to understand—and break—such an ingrained cycle of consciousness. The expanse is crucial to my well-being.